I keep getting comments on all my posts that I’m almost positive are spam, but I’ve decided to hang onto them and keep them posted because who knows, maybe that guy really was inspired in his cast-iron cooking by my numerous dick jokes, or maybe that confused guy from New Jersey really does think I’m an excellent father, or maybe some other gentlemen found economic advantages to going green by reading my article about building more couch forts as a New Years Resolution! Who knows, right? I could be this generation’s prophet. I already have a head start on what I believe to be three quarters of the English speaking population because I can actually form (mostly) grammatically correct sentences. I M SO PROWD OF MYSELFUS LOL

The way I’ve inspired these probably nonexistant people inspires me in turn to keep coming up with groundbreaking ideas, and I think I’ve come upon one that might make me a thousandair or a billionaire – no, wait; something way better than either – a THOUSANDAIRE BILLIONAIRE.

(The following is a trademarked idea and any entrepreneurs or other French people who produce anything resembling this idea are not only big bags of douche, but also subject to a giant suefest. I won’t stop and I’ll sue you till you’re blue, too.)

The idea begins with Mario Kart. Everyone loves it. Everyone also loves driving go-carts. Combining these two simple observations of common human taste, my idea is to bring Mario Kart TO LIFE – and I’m not talking Disney on Ice style. You’re not gonna see a pudgy costumed Wario doing a triple sow-cow on a rink decorated like the “Moo-Moo Farm” level of MK64. You’ll see and be a part of something more magical.

It starts with this: Every Kart has three very important functions besides the obvious (accelerate, brake, steering, and highbeams):

1. The whole front bumper of the Kart will actually be one large hole that will lead to a pipe that comes up the side of the Kart (explained later). The large hole the length of the bumper will operate as a high powered vacuum, like one of those street vacuums on wheels that ex-convicts on probation have to operate.

Strewn about the course in different areas will be differently coloured and patterned dodgeball-sized balls that this vacuum will suck up.

2. After being collected by the front vacuum on the kart, the balls will travel through a tube that runs along the length of the kart, comes around and over the driver’s seat and opens up above a small dish or bowl to the driver’s right (of course, there will have to be a couple leftie karts too if people whine about it enough).

Let’s recap: ball is collected in front, goes through a tube, then plops out onto a small bowl beside the steering wheel, waiting for convenient driver pickup.

3. There will be sensors both all over the surface of these balls and all over the karts themselves. Once the driver has collected a ball they must throw it at an opponent’s kart and if the two make glorious contact, the opponent’s kart will detect (USING SCIENCE, MIND YOU!!!) what type of ball was thrown at it and will be affected accordingly. Here are some examples:

Green ball: Opponent’s kart spins out

Black ball: Steering direction and accelerate/brake are reversed for a short period

Red ball: Slows opponent’s kart for a short period

Orange ball: Steering sensitivity increases greatly for a short period

Black ball: Opponent becomes a racist for a short period

Etcetera, etcetera…

Of course, the courses need to be designed to be akin to the ones in the actual Mario Kart 64 game – no other Mario Kart, because let’s be honest: there’s only one Mario Kart that anyone talks about when they bring it up, unless they’re into other games like “Tigger’s Honey Hunt” and “Blort’s Minshaft Experiment”.

So what do you say?? Who wants to invest??

You might see a bunch of new comments on my blog articles and videos. I get craploads of spam, but some of the spam is so outrageous and irrelevant that I absolutely have to leave it in and let it see the light of day. Scroll through my site and find the ones you like the most, then try to top them!! ADVENTURE AWAITS THOSE WITH A DESIRE TO NEEDLESSLY BURN AWAY PRECIOUS MOMENTS FROM THEIR LIVES!!!!

2011 is finally over, which means that according to people who existed thousands of years ago this is the year we’ll all blow up or develop donkeyheads and the world will go to shit. Or, of course, the calendar will just reset itself as it has always done SINCE ETERNITY. Do you think when the 12-month-per-year calendar was invented and  December rolled around everybody was rioting in the streets going, “WHAT COMES AFTER DECEMBER??? WHAT IS TO HAPPEN TO MY WORLDLY POSSESSIONS??? CURSE MANKIND AND ITS DESIRE TO MEASURE TIME QUANTITATIVELY!!! IT WILL BE THE DESTRUCTION OF US ALL!!!” Nope, except for a few morons. And based on some of this Mayan apocalypse hype, things haven’t changed.

At any rate, I’m sure for most people the next logical step into 2012 is to compose a list of goals and personal challenges in the name of self-improvement, or even in the name of taking care of business before a Mayan God reaches his big hand out from the clouds and pops each one of us individually like a pimple. Despite my being the exception to all of society’s norms (as you’ll soon find out), I am no exception to forming New Years’ Resolutions. Here we go:

1. I will make an effort to quit making up words. It confuses people. Before I knew a pitchfork was called a pitchfork, I used to call it a “Farkle”. Apparently “Farkle” is a word, which confused people on two levels: of course it confused the people who didn’t know what “Farkle” was in the first place and were completely lost with what I was talking about, and then it confused the ones who knew what “Farkle” was and thought I was referring to an exciting dice game that all the cool college kids are playing these days (Just look at that picture! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Farkle) but had no idea how that made sense in the context of a story I was telling about bailing hay.

2. Outsmart a dog at least once a day.

3. Work on my social networking abilities, especially my Twitter account. As I type this I have only 98 followers and am desperately trying to break 100 to no avail, but it’s probably because I don’t use Twitter a lot. DON’T TELL ME that you can fit a quality fart joke in a 140-character space. It just doesn’t happen.

4. Build more couch cushion forts, but at the same time be more particular about who to let in. I’ve had my castle crashed far too many times by the police.

5. Be more wary of computer viruses. Not all of those male enhancement companies genuinely want your business; some of them want to give you a virus, and I’m not talking the type you would get after attracting a seedy female with your medicinally enhanced massive dongus.

6. Flake on people less. This one will be tough because it conflicts directly with #2. Who knows when I’ll have to suddenly bail on friends because I’ve encountered a canine I want to humiliate intellectually.

7. Play less video games. I honestly ruined Super Smash Bros. (64 or Melee) for myself because I’m so good at it that it immediately stops being fun for anyone playing me because they don’t stand a chance. And of course I can tone it way back and let them win but check this out: how furious and frustrated would the world’s best chessplayer get playing a Kindergartner and letting them win? “Okay kid, seriously – move your rook to B7 and you’ve got me in checkmate!” “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO COUNT TO B7! I CAN ONLY COUNT TO G3!” … I don’t know what that means, but I’m not the kindergartner so you’ll have to ask him.

8. Get myself an HBO comedy special. I know this one’s the second-to-third-loftiest goal that I’ve presented so far but I recently formed a partnership that I’m very confident in with a homeless guy that got really excited when I told him about this idea. He told me I had him at “Home”.

9. Tell the people I love that I love them more often, and tell strangers that I’m getting drunk with at a bar that I love them less often.

10. Lastly, I want to put up a substantial amount of shows around Toronto, both regular and major one-offs. This specific goal is tantamount to my overall plan of gaining some credibility and notoriety in the Toronto standup comedy community. It’s time I start being taken seriously by people by being hilarious.

So that’s my list of New Year’s Resolutions. There had to be ten items because that’s the way things work – 10 is an inherently balanced number. We group so many things in tens and it just rounds things off so perfectly. When one ten ends a new one begins, much like the way calendars have always worked, you stupid Mayans.

I wish you all success in your own resolutions. May they not only be achievable, but specific and clear, unlike my TV screen’s. Its New Year’s Resolution is hazy and undefined.

You see a cute graduating dog, I see a formidable opponent.